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How to Inspire a Lasting Regret in That Guy Who Rejected You and Then Immediately Slept With That Terrible Girl Who Pretends to be Your Friend

How to Inspire a Lasting Regret in That Guy Who Rejected You and Then Immediately Slept With That Terrible Girl Who Pretends to be Your Friend

Who among us has not been here: you pine over a guy for months and months. You crush hard. You let yourself believe that minor things mean something. When he texts you when he’s drunk or gives you a ride to a place you are both going or tells you that you look like Little Orphan Annie. You think “Hey! It’s not nothin!”

But I’m here to tell you, it is nothing. N-o-t-h-i-n-g. No one wants to date Little Orphan Annie, no matter how much scrappy spunk that impoverished child brought to the rough and tumble streets of Depression era New York. You are kidding yourself. And asking him out is a grave mistake.

But what if you already asked despite these clear signs? You’ve most likely been rejected. Very probably, you got a flat out, unequivocal, big fat “NO”. Straight to your dirt-smudged little freckled face. You’re probably replaying each millisecond of the interaction in your mind over and over again. First, brava, sister. That’s the kind of blind optimism you’re gonna need for years to come.

But, now what?

Your best way forward, I can tell you from repeated experience, is to do everything you can to make this dude regret ever turning you down. You’ve got to show him what he let slip through his dumb fingers. Don’t move on. Don’t set your sights on a guy that sees you as an independent adult with sex appeal. Focus on the “no” that came from the turdburgler who sees you as a lonely, street-wandering child! Show him where he can put that “no!” (up his butt where his farts live)! Here’s how:

  1. In the immediate aftermath you’re gonna want to be the coolest cucumber in town. Act like this is all no biggie. Immediately invite him to do something HARD platonic. Like a chicken wing eating contest or a Tough Mudder. The more competitive the better. It will soothe your heartache to watch him stumble and fail as you slide another boneless wing down your gullet. Also, it is a proven fact that there is not enough room for both a broken heart and 30 zesty buffalo wings in the same human body.

  2. You are going to be suspicious of all other women, but don’t let this make you turn your back on the sisterhood. Overshare. Tell them what you’ve been through. Make them your allies in the constant struggle of staying chill in his presence. They have been through this too, and if they haven’t, then screw them! They can’t judge you! They don’t even KNOW! Find your own island of misfit toys. These women are your tribe. Ride or die.

  3. Nonchalance is the name of the game. I’ve found the best way to let a fella know you just couldn’t be bothered is to let your tummy out to breathe. Any excuse will work, or none at all! A little too hot? Tummy out. Hungry? Tummy out. Real full on those boneless wings? Tummy out! Just hike up your shirt and show that golden confidence!

  4. Accept anything that could be vaguely construed as a compliment and turn it around into a braggadocious insult at his expense. “Why yes, I did parallel park my car. I am VERY good at parallel parking. Much better than you are. Better than you’ll ever be!” You’ll be the picture of detached grace and the envy of those with self-esteem and depth-perception issues alike!

  5. Wait 6 months until some occasion where it is “acceptable” to be publicly drunk. Like a Christmas or 4th of July Party. (If it is the 4th of July this is an excellent excuse for more Devil-May-Care Belly Baring! Flaunt it, girl!) Walk up to him visibly drunk and tell him straight to his face everything he is missing out on. Say “Hey! I’m GREAT! And I’m hilarious! (now here is where you are gonna wanna lower your center of gravity with a wide-legged squat and thrust your pelvis right at him) And I’m DEEPLY sexual!” This, my friends, is what we call “closure”.

If you follow these steps exactly you can look forward to a sense of self-possession that can only come from within. Make no mistake though, this won’t change his mind. No means no. But, he will never forget you. And you can bet your bottom dollar that he WILL regret his choices and be haunted by your gap-toothed orphan grin for years. And you will have had more fun than you ever would have had on any date with that tasteless ass-hat.

Go get ‘im, sister!

Sir David Attenborough’s Official Guide to the Naming of Turtles

Sir David Attenborough’s Official Guide to the Naming of Turtles