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Sir David Attenborough’s Official Guide to the Naming of Turtles

Sir David Attenborough’s Official Guide to the Naming of Turtles

Congratulations! If you’re reading this you have probably acquired a new turtle. As one of the world’s most prominent naturalists, I have had the honor of naming quite a few turtles during my time on our Planet Earth. Here are some tips on how to choose the perfect name for your new shelled friend.

  • Name your turtle immediately. Many new turtle owners decide to wait until their turtle reveals its personality. This is a classic mistake. Unfortunately, turtles don’t have personalities.

  • Don’t name your turtle after famous turtles (e.g. Donatello, Raphael, Mitch McConnell, etc.) The joke will wear off quickly and your turtle will eventually resent the expectations that you’ve imposed upon it.  

  • Like the simple snail or the wretched humpback, the turtle is an animal trapped in its own hideous shelter. If you’re feeling cute, try prison names like Capone, Manson, or Oswald State Correctional Facility.  

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  • Turtles are devoutly religious--and mostly Muslim--so consider religious names like Fatima, Abdullah, or Kwisatz Haderach.
     
  • Don’t even THINK about using a Tortoise name like Super Diego, you blundering fool.
     
  • Once you have a few favorite names in mind, check to make sure that they aren’t taken on Instagram.
     
  • Yes, turtles seem old, but no more president names! Millard Fillmore, Martin Van Buren, and Barack Hussein Obama are off the table.
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  • The following are excellent names that would perfectly suit your new turtle if they weren’t already taken by me: Kim, Spudley Totegrass, Chunk, Dabney Smartphone, Chuck Palahniuk, Billiam, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Mystikal, Silkk the Shocker, Lil Romeo, and Shelly.
     
  • The following are offensive names that perpetuate harmful turtle stereotypes: Slowpoke, Pizza Boy, Cold Blooded Killer, Farm Ham, and Shelly.
     
  • Avoid trending names such as:, Kole, Kriss, Kayden, Kalvyn, Kamryn, Khristophyr, Karyssa, Kaytlyn, Kylly, Kymbyrly, Konny Brytyn, Koyrtny, Kolyn, Kwyntyn, Khlowy,  Kwyzyxymx, or Kaptyn Planyt.
     
  • Avoid old-timey names like Bethusala, Ye olde David, Ye olde Carl, or Ye olde Bethusala.
     
  • Here is a list of names that you should by no means use, but which will get your mental juices flowing: Jess, Greenie, Turtle, Beanie, Burt, Sammy, Shlart, Hobbes, Spinach, James Taylor, Shell Silverstein the Turtle Version, Flaxseed, Sam Sanders, Tamera Keith, Turt-pentine, Spot, Mugsy Bogues, Toitle Seat, Pythagoras, Desmond Tu-Turtle, Dalai Shellma, Candace Bergman, Tooth, Mathew Perry, Alia Shawkat, Bubba Gump Turtle Factory, Cheesecake Factory, C+C Music Factory, Factory Clearance Sale, X PAC, Chyna, Gold Dust, Brunelleschi, Ghiberti, Filipo Lippi, Bellini, Mantegna, Boticelli, Splinter the Rat, Beelzebubbles, Asmodius Shell, Baphometurtle, Azaeshell, Beetlegeuse Beetlegeuse Beetlegeuse, Mickey Rooney, Baby Ruth, Shirt Nancy, Studs Turktle, Chump Rumper, will.i.aren’t, Marcie the Mouse, Flatus, MTV’s Daria, Stefan Urkell, Good Wittle Kitty, Dogbone, C-bear, Jamal, Wimpy, Tony! Toni! Toné!, “⤼”, Rum Tum Tugger, MA$E, Pliny the Elder, Steve The King of All Turtles, and Sarah.
     
  • Just name it Mavis.

In Chapter 2, we’ll explore essentials of turtle care including feeding, watering, and arranging dates both on & off line for your new friend.

My Laffy Taffy Joke Journal (Edited by My Dad)

My Laffy Taffy Joke Journal (Edited by My Dad)

How to Inspire a Lasting Regret in That Guy Who Rejected You and Then Immediately Slept With That Terrible Girl Who Pretends to be Your Friend

How to Inspire a Lasting Regret in That Guy Who Rejected You and Then Immediately Slept With That Terrible Girl Who Pretends to be Your Friend