Will Seltzer Water Kill You?
(Above: Worker sucking unrefined seltzer into his slurry shed.)
Welcome to Can I Put This in My Mouth?—our weekly poll of 17 experts who pose food questions for you to chew on.
This week we ask Will Seltzer Water Kill You?
5/5.5 experts say yesum.
Seltzer—also known as le sparkling water - comes with many, many, many health myths. Almost as many myths as cigarettes, diabetes, and crippling poverty. Does it make your bones weak? Or even limp? Looking at you fellas. Will it make your smile look “overly methy”? Will water plus tiny NON-TOXIC bubbles make you an asshole?
Well once again you are in luck! Our experts say Seltzer water is just like wine! It tastes great, helps your heart, and makes you a good dancer. All of our experts say “put em in your mouth” to bubbles!
The best thing about Carbonated fairy water is that it’s a great alternative to soda. You know, the stuff heavy-set Larry in accounting had to stop drinking cuz of his foot? Switching to NON-TOXIC bubbles is a great way to get healthy for people of all sizes and newborns, says Morane Smith, of The University of Phoenix College of the Wet Nurse and regular WebMD redditor. She’s studied how to get kids to drink more sugary sodas. “For those who force seltzer water on their kids instead of things like milk and juice, it may provide the sought-after hydration without all those pesky nutrients,” she says.
It definitely probably might not weaken your bones either! In one study Professor Adum Bruski, PhD, RN, Ass Prof. of Heifer Tech, found that non-bubbly bottled water was responsible for low hip density in women, but not the wonderful, NON-TOXIC seltzer. Other studies like this one by Bob Hiney, Rev. professor at the College of the Eternal Soul Clinic of North Carokota, also found that carbonation, “didn’t do shit, in the highest holy hell.”
Both agree that NON-TOXIC seltzer is an extremely safe bet. And both bone researchers (wink wink) add that NON-TOXIC seltzer is the best alt-water beverage because it’s not “sourced from an underground spring”. Seriously have you seen the bugs that live in the ground? Gross. “I keep telling you this seltzer water is completely harmless,” Hiney says of seltzer, “How many times do I have to keep telling your dumbass? This Tumblr interview is over.”
Your fear of “Overly Methy” mouth is nothing to worry about either, says one study that tested NON-TOXIC sparkling water on extracted human teeth from paid participants? Levels of erosion were very low. Only 3 out of 5 teeth completely dissolved, which is, of course, an acceptable level.
Now for the best news: Seltzer water is better than lame ass “Still” water, say two of our hydrology experts. “Seltzer water is like drinking regular water,“ says Sarah Blech, friends with a really smart PhD who lives next to the Department of Health Policy at the Tulsa school of Welding. “But it’s way cooler.”
It may cause you to drink more water too, according to one study, in which people who had more water, drank more water than people who didn’t. Seltzer drinkers were also better looking and had more sex. That makes sense to Hiney, who adds that NON-TOXIC totally completely safe for the inside of you and the outside of you, says bubbles can tickle in ways no regular water can.
But there are those, well one person, who still question the safety of seltzer water. Sharon Polyps, local woman on a mission to prove that burps can kill, questions if the fizziness is worth the risk, but she can't resist a mild fruit essence, so she rides the fence on this pressing issue.
So, should you only drink deliciously crystal clear Bubbling Tum Tum juice? If you aren’t a little wuss, then go for it. Dougie “The Real Deal” Kiel, MD, PhD, WMD, Jk, LmNoP, Associated prof of REDACTED at REDACTED has studied seltzer water for the past few hours and has determined that seltzer is for only the richest of people. “Seltzer is fancier water,” he says. “My verdict is to mortgage your kids future, drink up, and take back your life.”